Labradoris

"I'm like a Blackberry...except more needy."
-Joel, on explaining how he keeps me organized sometimes

Joel: "I'm an imperfect person and I have my flaws. For instance, how I crunch my chips when I eat them."
Me: "Well, I know there are things about me that are far from perfect or that you don't like."
Joel: "Yeah, the thing that is not perfect about you is that you complain when I crunch my chips when I eat them."
Me: "Well, if you didn't crunch your chips, I wouldn't complain. Sooo...it's of your own doing why I'm not perfect."
Joel: "It's a catch-22." -pause-
Joel: "By the way, do you know how much concentration it took to not crunch my nachos tonight during the movie?"
Me: "What?! Oh my gosh. I feel kind of bad."
Joel: "Yeah, it went something like this (does sing-song voice): pick chip up, dip in cheese, insert in mouth, close lips, chew chew chew."
Me: "Wait a second, you're telling me you had a SONG?"
Joel: "Not really. It just took a lot of thinking to not crunch down on those first delicious bites."

Joel and I were driving down the main drag of the town a few months ago, and a big, pimped-out Ram truck pulled in front of us at the stoplight.  We sat there silently for a few moments, observing the massive amount of space it was taking up.  Suddenly Joel spoke up, "That's quite a truck. I can just see the guy at the dealer now: 'Excuse me, do you have anything more hick?'"
I laughed, and Joel continued, "And then the dealer says, 'Why, yes, sir, but we're out of the hick-deluxe model. We'll have to special order it.' "
I laughed and agreed.  Then Joel cocked his head and said through a smirk, "And then I bet he was like, 'When I rev my engine, will it play a Toby Keith song?'"

So, I'm at the movie theatre, and I wanted to reduce the level in my bladder to a manageable amount before I loaded more Cherry Icee into it during the movie.  I walked into the stark white and cream bathroom, with black and white floor tiles, mind you, and assumed I was the only one in there.  I shut the stall door, and sat down to do my business, when I heard a few stalls down in a high-pitched voice,  "Like, oh my god, like, everything OUTSIDE of my jacket is cold, and like, everything INSIDE my jacket is warm!"  I swear, I stopped mid-stream by the time the mystery voice finished talking, and waited to hear what was going to be said next, and, BOOM, "Oh yeah, I know, like right? Me too!"  I heard these two women laugh stupidly and flush and walk up to the sink counter.  I hurriedly finished, wanting to see who in the hell just made such an inane observation.  I quickly gathered my purse and exited the stall, sidling up to the counter to wash my hands.  I did the whole 'I'm studying you in the mirror but I'm really acting like I'm washing my hands, don't mind my dropped chin but uplifted eyes' routine, and saw 2 very severe blondes running their hands through their hair and wiping away imaginary make-up smudges.  I'm all, dude, this is a small town.  I didn't know we had Playboy Bunnies here.  They continued to giggle in Barbie Binary -- you know, the kind of high-pitched talking that occurs between girly girls, and if you listen, you can't really distinguish what they are saying, but you know that vast amounts of information is being exchanged  (thanks to Joel's term and definition)-- and I wanted to tell them, "Why don't you just go ahead and get undressed there, and here's some pillows for your fight out in the lobby." 


"Everything outside of my jacket is cold, and everything inside my jacket is warm!"  YOU THINK?